Who said I would heal

I'm back. After nearly four weeks. The longest I've been gone from Blogger.
Sorry, but I felt for Christmas holidays right after my Math exams. I was home for three weeks and I came back on Sunday. It was nice seeing my family. I really missed them.

Hehe, my dad and lil sis picked me up from the airport. We drove home and Dad was super excited to see me, as always. Lol.
So, I came home finding Mom cleaning the house, something she does like....um.....everyday.

"Mom, what are you doing?"
I kinda got disappointed, thought that she would be super excited to see me like Dad. But nope, think again.
"I'm cleaning. - I -and the kids were here this weekend."

Let me introduce you to - I -and the kids.
- I - is Mom's friend. She has three kids; a new born baby, 3 yr old boy and a 5 yr old girl. Basically, me, my younger brother and Dad are relatively not always super excited to have them over. The kids are like a soccer-punch in the face. They scream, kick, shout, disorganize things and not easy to understand. Moreover the mother doesn't sometimes care to help Mom when she's over. *UGHHH* So she leaves my dearest Mom to clean up after her children. -___-  They are a P.I.T.A.

The moment mom said her name, I could foresee what she has gone through. It showed clearly on her face.
"Oh,....."
Me standing there waiting for a hug. Lol, I know, I sound like a baby, but I love Mom. She's the best.

So, I went upstairs with my two massive suitcases, which miraculously didn't weigh over 20 kilos.
Days past and I felt nice being back home. But nervous about my exam results. I felt all that in the Hands of God.
Two days later, I hooked up with my dearest Hally. We went to the movies and watched the new Harry Potter film. Long, but interesting. She was leaving for Christmas to UG (lucky!) on her b-day, while I was stuck in the "North Pole" cursing the weather.
I also hooked up with my friends from high school. :-) Everything seemed so perfect at the moment, before    - I - and the kids came back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ok, the fact that Mom took care of her after her operation is very saintly, but please, I came back home to have some Q.T. with my family. But you know how we Africans are; our casa is someelse's casa.
I started crying, because - I - stay at our place made Mom very defensive against Dad. She was always taking - I -'s side, being mad at Dad for no reason, not reacting at my younger bro's behaviour when he broke down in pieces saying "They are mean! They tease me, spoil my things and mean!". You should have seen him. I've never seen him soooooo mad and hurt before.

Luckily, Christmas was saved at the last moment. They left. But they were coming back AGAIN. (Gosh, I almost believed that I dreaming the same dream again and again. Pinched myself, but nah, it was real)
We had Christmas with my Grandma and my Aunt.

AND BOOM!
New Year's Eve came. Ohhhhhhhhhhhh yeah. I was super excited to see more of my friends. A friend of mine  arranged a party at her place. Everyone was there. The music was nice. The people were in the mood. The food was GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD. I danced with my best friend Bella. And the time came for us to go outside, since it was coming to midnight, and watch the fireworks. So, I was on my way out, well, barely, there were alot of people in the hallway and it was 5 minutes to midnight.
Suddenly some guy turned and looked at me.
Then he said:

"Oh, NIGGER!"

I frooze. I tried smiling thinking that I was a joke, BUT I didn't know the guy! I turned, ran to the kitched, slammed the door and was crying on the kitchen floor. Bella followed me.... I guess she heard what he said.
Midnight came. The fireworks were up. People outside were screaming and laughning, while I and Bella were on the kitchen floor holding our hands and crying.
I felt sick. Disgusted. Unworthy. Filthy. Ugly. Void.
The guy turned out to be the hostess' brother. My friends brother! F*CK. He came in trying to apologize, saying that he isn't a racist, that it's an inside joke between him and his friends and whatever.
But still, not matter what if he was a racist or not, I will never heal. I've heard that word used against me so many times, that the thought of ignoring it hasn't occured to me. I'm still wounded. And please, on New Year's Eve?! This is how my 2011 is starting?!?!


Later on, Bella tried to cheer me up. We danced and danced until 4 o'clock in the morning. Lol, Mom called me asking me where I was. I told her she didn't have to worry, since I have someone to walk back home with; Bella and her good BF.
Our departure was delayed when two guys; my friend CiCi's BF and some random dude, decided to have a boxing match in the living room! It wasn't until 4.45 that they were cooled down and we headed for the road....with our feet. Luckily, it wasn't cold that night.

I came home 5 o'clock and slept on the couch in the living room.
And two days later, I was on the plane back to St. Avanger still tired from the party. I arrived the airport in St. Avanger at 10 o'clock in the evening realising that I don't have enough pocket money for the bus trip and my bank account had nothing on it.
So, I went to the bus driver, pleading him to drive me into town since I didn't have any money.

"Well, ok, but don't except that this should happen everytime."
"No. Thank you so much."

I arrived town at midnight. And still had to take another bus to my place. One more time, I tried my luck.
"Hello. I'm only missing some cents for the bus trip, but would it be ok if you give you this?"
"Well, it depends where you're going."
" _ _ _ _ _ o."
"Oh, no. Well, no I can't."

I was shocked by the way he seemed so calm by saying it. I stepped out of the bus with my suitcase and a massive bag on my shoulder, walked to a corner and started to think things out. But I couldn't think under suck pressure. I started crying. It was dark, silent and cold. I was alone.
Suddenly, two boys called out to me.

"ey, are you ok? what the problem?"

"no, i'm not ok. the bus driver won't let me sit on the bus since i'm only missing some few cents for the ticket and i don't know what to do. i'm stuck here alone."

"it's ok. come."

We walked back to the bus and the kind boys payed for my ticket. You should have seen the look on the bus driver's face. *HA! In your face.* He seemed humiliated. He better be.
I arrived my room at about 1 o'clock at night. And it was messy.
And to top it all off, I had 5 hours of sleep only.
Sweet.
Not.

I said a prayer before going to sleep thanking God for protecting me and leading those kind people to me.
Two minutes later, I was in dream world.


Happy New Year.
God Bless.


black panther